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“Will you marry me”, Karan stood there, a perfectly carved solitaire ring in hand, awaiting my answer with a small, wry smile, his dark eyes anxiously holding mine.
I have been alone for so long now, it is almost impossible for me to imagine life with another person again. The mere idea seems to baffle me. I guess if I am completely honest with myself, I am perplexed by the intimacy of living with another human being. It is not so much of the sexual intimacy that scandalizes me but the physical affinity on a day to day basis, the emotional bonding that knits two people together and makes them an inseparable part of each other. I am convinced I cannot deal with it. I am scared. Scared to make an assurance, scared of caring too deeply, scared of getting too attached eventually, perhaps even of falling in love,if indeed I am able of loving a man again. Fear has crippled me at my emotional roots for the past numerous years. I am conscious of that and so I have created a life for myself, a life unaided; this has always appeared so much secure. Brick by brick, I have constructed a wall around myself, a wall fabricated solely on the bedrock of my basic necessities and career.
Once I was a fortunate woman. I had all a woman could possibly ask for, maybe more. And then it all came to a standstill.
For the last six years, since that apocalyptic autumn where I lost my childhood love in an unfortunate accident, I have lived a tormented life. I have lived with a misery that is unsustainable. And yet I have sustained. I have found my way out of darkness and desolation when I hardly had any strength left, when I had lost even the desire to live. I have coped up with it and survived.
And I prepared myself to live on my own, have grown used to leading a lonely life, and I am not sure I can open up again, as I once did. But this exactly what Karan wants me to do, he wants me to open upto him, weave our lives together forever. He is a good man and any woman would be lucky to have him. But I am not any woman, I have endured far too much, blotched forever, my soul damaged irrevocably, beyond healing, I know. I don’t think I am the kind of woman he deserves to be with, a woman who can give him her all, a woman without a haunting past, with no burden or lonesomeness pulling her down, like mine.
The easiest thing for me would be to turn Karan down, tell him no firmly and never see him again. Yet I cannot...something holds me back.
In that moment, I decide to leave behind the emotional cripple that I have turned into, acknowledging my feelings for him, admitting that I have punished myself long enough for a crime that wasn’t even mine, I look straight into his eyes, confident and bold, utter the those perfect three letters, ‘YES’ and set myself free of all the agony that constituted my life till date.
NOTE: This post has been written for Housing.com .#StartANewLife